There are two kinds of people in this world.

Back when I was a thirty-something and still possessed that singular wisdom and moral authority that goes hand in hand with one’s ability to naturally manufacture collagen, I would often denounced the use of cosmetic surgery by women to simulate perpetual youth.

And don’t get me wrong.  I wasn’t a prude.  I could have completely understood one or two facelifts in the battle against the ravages of gravity.  Even back then, I totally got the allure of it.   More than two surgeries, however, not only seemed excessively vain, but they left the procedures’ victims with a creepy contrast of youthful alertness and dully wizened eyes…very unsettling…still freaks me out actually.

Yes, it’s the eyes.  The problem always resides in the eyes.  That’s the irreconcilable rift in the space/time continuum that can’t be resolved with medicine.  That’s why even the most flawless facelifts are jarring to the senses and a train wreck that you can’t stop watching…unless it’s in HD and then you find yourself averting your gaze for fear you’ll turn to stone.  Wouldn’t want a Real Housewives of New Jersey marathon to end in Greek tragedy.

No matter how good that surgeon is, he or she cannot resolve the conflict that exists between simulated youth and reality of experience.  That, by the way, is also why gender reassignment surgery will ultimately land itself in the dustbin of quackery-medicine along side leeching for TB patients and lobotomizing for depression.

Really, it’s already begun.  Fluidity of gender?  Seriously?  They say that 30% of Gen Z won’t commit to being either male or female.  So I ask you, who can blame them?  They live in a world where they can be expelled for wanting gender-specific locker rooms, but you want them to be honest?  Not a chance.  You’d have a better chance of getting a Trump supporter to open up to a WAPO pollster about her voting habits.  Just you wait until Gen Z starts pushing back on the Millennials, guys.  The cultural whiplash will be concussive.

Look, I get it.  It’s all perfectly plausible and synergetic at first glance.  You hate the hassle of tampons?  Take a pill.  You long for mammary glands?  Get some implants.  It’s like buying a car.  If you don’t like the floor model, you can always indulge in some aftermarket installations and bodywork.

But the eyes?  Yeah.  That’s where it gets a little dicey.  They can be lifted, tucked, waxed or plucked but they can’t be made younger and they can’t be made un-XX or un-XY.  They just are what they are.  Increasingly perfect surgery cannot and will not ever remove chromosomes, so the primal force that is masculine or feminine, old or young remains.  And with regard to gender fluidity, a jump from 1.5% to 30% in ten years after 200,000 years of human existence…hmmm.  Sounds like a fad.  It’s either that or Alex Jones was right and our water supply is turning frogs gay.

Of the two options, I opt for the former.

Two hundred years from now when children are receiving history uploads into their brains about America in the late twentieth to early twenty-first centuries, they’ll interface with their virtual friends during online recess on whatever social media platforms ultimately beget and they’ll mock…“They used to cut off what?“…“I know, right?”

But I digress.

I am now fifty-something.  Certainty and collagen drain away with each passing day, and I am not ashamed to tell you that I am tempted by the siren call of the surgeon from time to time or each time I pass a mirror if you prefer.  Aging sucks.  The only thing that keeps me grounded in my resolve to remain facelift-free is the haunting memory of the unblinking, Botox-enhanced Nancy Pelosi and her giant gavel of thunder, legislating state-funded abortions for nuns…and that too still freaks me out, but for reasons that go well beyond her love affair with advanced dermatology.

The point is that aging is yet another immutable truth brought to you by our sponsor,  the natural sciences.  We nip.  We tuck.  We abort.  We add appendages.  We make ourselves believe that we are calling the shots.  Nice pseudo-reality if you can get one, but at the end of the day, the forces of life will find a way.  As cultural elites are quick to point out, there are two kinds of people in this world.  Those who understand and respect the laws nature and the Left.

My money is on biology.

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